Let them Watch Me Burn

I feel a battle raging. But I don’t know the source. I’m fighting in the dark. Where is the enemy? Is it in me? Buried and hidden under the layers I’ve allowed to grow unchecked? Despair, longing, criticism, and entitlement claw at me in the dark, dragging me deeper—promising comfort even as I feel it stabbing.

 

A song, A quote…A battle you’ve already won. Wisdom flows all around. Truth spoken out loud intended for youth, but igniting my conviction.

 

“Why are you so different from other people, John?”“Because every night, I light myself on fire and let them watch me burn…” ~John Wesley

 

Like a fire in my bones, Holy Spirit fire. Darkness was never a place I was supposed to be. If I can’t see, I can’t untangle what’s real. Why has MY light dimmed? My light lord. Where is my light? Your light. Your spirit’s flame. How have I let it dim?

 

When was I last at the altar? I feel calloused and hard. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Flesh, calloused flesh is growing unchecked…clarity, a flicker of light… I haven’t burned it off on the altar of sacrifice. I need purifying fire. Ignite the fire in my dry bones. Fan the flame of your spirit. Breath of God, blow again. Kindle the dead places. Refine me with the fire from your altar. The only fire that won’t burn me—the real me. Your spirit in me. It’s safe on the altar where living sacrifices willingly lay down to be transformed. Sin and death burn away. I’m clean. The fire lights every corner. Darkness flees. I can see. I see things as they truly are. Faith is restored. Clarity I’ve longed for comes into focus 

 

Light me on fire, Jesus. Let me burn bright. Let that flame lead them to you. Let them watch me burn.

 

This pondering is my fire. Shame screams, “Be quiet!!! Don’t let anyone see the weakness.” Bringing it to the light is how I overcome—the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony.

 

There is no condemnation for those in Jesus. I can say weird things like John Wesley in light of these profound theological truths. “Every night, I light myself on fire and let them watch me burn.”

 

You make me clean. You make me safe. You set me free.

 

Things to read:

• Roman’s 8:1-17

• Roman’s 12:1-2

• Jeremiah 20:9

Things to ponder:

• When did I last lay my life down as a living sacrifice?

• What areas of my life are dark and confusing?

• How can “lighting myself on fire” lead people to Jesus?

Things to do:

• Hash this idea out with someone.

• Journal a list of dark spots and pray about them


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