To the Woman who Lost the Baby...

“I lost the baby. I’m not ready to talk. Don’t say anything. Only a couple of people of people know”


Tears flooded my eyes as yet another beautiful friend began her journey of the loneliest grief. My heart just shattered for her. She had waited so long for the plus sign that would allow her to imagine what having her own child would feel like. She has passionately loved so many children, yet longs for her own. The loss of a first pregnancy especially, leaves you vulnerable to fears—can my body ever carry a baby?  Is this even an option for me?


I have never walked through a miscarriage myself, but I have walked through it with treasured friends. And as one who is yet again asked to be their prayer warrior, I want to speak out loud for all of you who have suffered this loss largely alone.


I am so sorry our culture has not figured out how to navigate the death of a child through miscarriage. We desperately need to.  I’m so sorry you feel like it’s a hurt you should keep to yourself. It isn’t.


To the girl who has tried so hard to start your family, but there is spotting, uncomfortable pains, no heartbeat...It's grief is just as deep as the loss of a living child, I think. The what might have been. The return to waiting. Not sure what that means or looks like for the future.  The loss of dreams.


Here's what I believe. The Lord holds those tears. He holds them in delicate places and uses them to create a gift perfectly designed for you when He makes all things right. {Psalm 138:8, 1 Peter 5:10}. He knows us intimately and cares that deeply.


Here is part of the text I sent to my girl “Do not believe the lie that you're alone or it's over. For those babies? It has only just begun. They are with Jesus and being loved on in Heavenly places until you're there to be their mommy. Tell the enemy “NO!!!” when he speaks lies in your ear. Tell him you know his game and you're not playing. So few times in our American reality do we get to show ourselves what our faith is made of. And I know yours. I've seen it. It is solidly built on the rock of Jesus and nothing—Nothing will shake it. I believe in the family you will have. I believe in the mother you now are. Once He let them form, they became. You became. He makes beautiful things. I love you”


She had dreamed it was twins. A boy and a girl. She had giggled about them with her bestie. With eyes glowing, she had carried her little secret, waiting to share the news, that now will remained tucked away, saved for moments when she can cry alone. But Jesus sees and He is moved to action by His compassion. He makes beauty out of ashes if we’re only looking for Him.


To my friend, He sent her flowers. They showed up in her mother’s hands, but came straight from her creators heart. A little bouquet with this unusual hydrangea. Light pink with tiny purplish blue flowers randomly growing inside of it. A little pink. A little blue. A little boy. A little girl. A little reminder that He will make all things right. Her motherhood forever established and waiting. There may be more babies in her life on earth, but always, there will be two more, eager to call her mommy.

I’m so glad the horrible things that happen are not unseen. I have cried so many broken tears over injustice and the “why”.  Proverbs says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”. The Lord sees. He gave us a heads up that in this broken world, the pain of waiting for hope to be seen would often leave us heartsick.


When Jesus cried right before raising Lazarus from the dead, He showed us a magnificent truth:  even though He alone knows the big picture and what good things are coming, He is moved to tears by the hurt that living in a sin-filled, broken world means for us. I can trust His compassion to move in ways I may not yet see, because I am fully seen, and known, and loved. You are too. He’s so worthy of our trust.


So today, let yourself dream about the future. Allow yourself to be sad, and let yourself cry about hope deferred.  But then make a choice to intentionally trust Him to make all the things right.  And if you know someone who has walked out this loss, love on them extra today. Remind them that you remember and that you see them.


Here is a link to the painting inspired by this blog:

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  • Stephanie on

    Thank you for thos. Though the time has passed for me to have littles of my own, I try and take heart in the fact that He gave me the ability to teach, and therefore have a piece, of hundreds of childrens’ hearts each year.
    This was so beautiful and poignant…..and most of all, needed.❤❤

  • Paula Alexich on

    I suffered an ectopic pregnancy between Michael & Matthew. I had never known the amount of hurt and discouragement before….. I can’t wait to meet my little one ~ one day!

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